Hello! I know, its been forever since my last post, but I have a good one this time. It's actually the first draft of an essay for my English class. Enjoy!
One of the most important days of my life so far was March 16th, 2008. It was 12:35 am, it was chilly, the moon was almost full, and the woods were filled with more mystery than usual. And for the first time in my life, I knew the embrace of a lover. It was symbolic, really- hidden from the world, just as we’d have to hide from my parents [who thought I was still too young for a relationship], we finally let ourselves fall that last bit in love with each other. Out in the dark, amongst the trees, I experienced my first kiss, and began a journey that would teach me everything I ever needed to know in life.
That evening, the cast and crew of Schreiber’s production of Ah, Wilderness! had gathered at Eleah Burman’s house to celebrate a fantastic Saturday show earlier that day. Whenever there was a cast party at Eleah’s house, it meant we were sure to be trekking to the beach that night, through the woods behind her property. Now, I had fallen head over heels for a sophomore, Matt, and I had been planning for weeks to finally tell him how I felt when we were under the stars at Eleah’s beach. Unfortunately, my father arrived at the Burman house before we could go all the way there. But Matt, being the gentleman he is, offered to walk me back to her house from the woods. He held my hand the whole time, and when we had traveled far enough in the opposite direction of the rest of the group, I decided I didn’t need the beach. I told him how I felt, there in the dark of the woods, and he kissed me. Sparks flew, and I knew he would change my life.
April of 2007 marked the start of a very rough time in my life. My uncle passed away on the 12th. He was my best friend, conscience, and creative muse all at once. Nobody else had more of an influence on me or my life than he did. And in June of that year, I was laughed off by my crush of 9 years, when his girlfriend read him the note I’d trusted him not to open until he was alone. I felt alone and overburdened, and sometimes it took everything in me not to do something drastic about it. I thought my life was truly over. But then I met Matt. He showed me that there was a life past grief and heartbreak, and that I could recover. I loved him, as I thought I would never again be able to. Even now, long after he left my side, I can still honestly credit him with reminding me every day that there is always someone worth living for, even when that person isn’t him.
He also taught me how to appreciate life properly. Up until our relationship, I had always focused on the “big” events in my calendar- birthdays, promotion ceremonies, Christmases and Easters. So many of those events have fallen completely from my mind. I can, however, still remember one day in late April 2008, when he and I were walking hand in hand through the streets of my neighborhood after school. We walked down Haven Avenue until he stopped dead in front of a house near the corner of my street. I asked why he didn’t want to go any further, and his reply was that he knew my parents would spot us if we walked any further down haven, and he didn’t want to let go of my hand. He then spun me into his arms like the Casanova he was, and kissed me. The ornamental pear trees along the street were in bloom, and my backpack was really heavy that day, but he offered to carry it for me in spite of the weight. I can’t remember more than two Easter dinners, but I can still recall every detail of that day. It’s moments like that that taught me what’s really important in life.
Matt also forced me to learn to survive. We spoke less and less often in the weeks preceding finals, and I found it more and more difficult to find him anywhere. People started hinting that maybe he wanted our relationship to end, and that I should move on. I didn’t believe a word of it, until it came out of his mouth, on June 9th, in front of my locker after school. It wasn’t an extensive conversation. He said he wanted to end it, and I said ok, and that was that. But it hurt a lot more than I allowed him to see. I wanted so badly to hold him in my arms and never let him go. I wanted to know what was wrong with our relationship, so I could fix it. If keeping our relationship a secret from my overbearing parents was too much work for him, I was perfectly willing to risk everything for him, including my parents’ opinions of me. I was willing to change everything about me to get him back. But over the summer, it dawned on me that heartbreak would not be forever. I was strong enough to let him go when he wanted; I was surrounded by friends old and new; I remembered the little moments we had together; and by the end of the summer, I was almost completely emotionally healed. I took everything I loved about him and our relationship, and I used it to help myself get over him. He was helping me, even when he hurt me.
All of these life lessons, from something so simple as a kiss in the woods.
Sometimes, I wonder if he still cares about me like that. He never found anyone else after me, and mutual friends tell me he wishes he hadn’t broken my heart the way he did. But then I think for a moment, and I realize it doesn’t matter if he still loves me or not. We had our time, and it was beautiful. I learned a lot from our relationship’s ups and downs, and I thank him for that a thousand times over. But it took our breakup for me to realize that he had nurtured me, and made me stronger. He helped me through my pain in the beginning, and he showed me I could rely on myself for as much in the end. Though I don’t talk with him nearly as much as I used to, he continues to teach me more about myself to this day.
